Resources

Fact Sheet - Common ways family and friends cope

Family and friends can feel frustrated, angry, hopeless or worried that they are unable to fix or change the person who has the drug or alcohol problem.

They often feel like they have tried everything they can think of and nothing has worked, or that it didn’t work for long and only brought about a short term solution to the problem.

These are common responses to stressful situations, particularly those brought about by alcohol and other drug problems. They are not right or wrong and fact are very normal and understandable ways of handling stress and strain.

They are often referred to as “coping styles”.

Engaging with the drinker/user

Sometimes family and friends “join in” with drinking and/or using as a way of handling the stress and keeping the peace.

Hiding and pretending

Pretending everything is OK and not saying things you would really like to say about the drinking or drug use. This can include putting your life on hold waiting/hoping for the situation to change.

Minimising and comparing

Trying to make the problem smaller than it really is, eg.”it’s not that bad” “at least they’re not . . .”
Not confronting problems. Losing touch with friends and becoming isolated due to the situation.

Controlling

Checking up on the person, eg. “you said you weren’t going to do that anymore”.
Making threats that are not carried out, eg. “if you come home drunk or stoned that’s it”.
If you recognise yourself or others here, remember these are normal ways of dealing with stressful situations, (particularly where drug and alcohol problems are concerned) and be assured that you are not alone. These coping styles are developed as a way of alleviating the immediate stress of the situation and out of caring for the other person.

Holyoake’s family drug and alcohol education support groups provide more information on new ways of coping, as well as other topics relevant to family and friends of a person with an alcohol or drug problem.

In a safe and non-judgemental setting run by a professional group facilitator, you will be supported to develop new skills and practical strategies focused on reducing substance problems and bringing about positive change.

Holyoake Groups do not promote a “tough love” approach, but rather support and encourage people to introduce changes they desire to make and which would be appropriate for their situation.