Fact Sheet - Creating positive change

Family and friends often feel a sense of hopelessness that despite all their efforts, they have been unable to change the person with the drug and/or alcohol problem and their situation remains the same.

They may have tried any of the following to get the person or situation to change, only to be left with feelings of frustration, exhaustion and anxiety.

Nagging, monitoring and trying to control

• In an attempt to try and control the other person, they have been labelled a “nagger” or “control freak”;
• Monitoring (eg.counting another’s drinks) can cause resentment in the other person;
• Trying to control by getting angry at them or threatening them can cause resentment and backfire.

Being passive

• On the other hand, maybe you didn’t say what you would have liked to say.
• This can lead to a build up of tension and resentment which may result in an outburst that only increases the conflict.
• Saying nothing could be perceived by the other person as permission to keep doing what they are doing.

Focussing on other people

• Focussing on other people at the expense of ourselves and getting caught up in solving other peoples’ problems in the hope that it will make everything better.

Worrying about others, feeling sorry for others and analysing others

• Again, this takes the focus off our own needs;
• It can leave you feeling exhausted and robs you of valuable energy;
• Using all this mental energy can bring on stress, fatigue, depression and illness.

Caretaking and rescuing

• This is about organising and fixing up other peoples’ lives by doing everything for them;
• It doesn’t give the other person an opportunity to take responsibility for themselves and can imply that they can’t do anything for themselves.

If you recognise yourself or others here, remember these are common ways of responding to stressful situations, particularly those involving drug and alcohol problems.

We do these things with the best of intentions to alleviate the immediate stress, out of kindness and caring for the other person.

Holyoake’s family drug and alcohol education support groups look at engaging the change process in more depth.

Holyoake Groups support and encourage people to make the changes they wish to make and which would be appropriate for their situation.

For more information on our family drug and alcohol education support groups, please phone: 07 3831 4094.

Holyoake’s education support groups provide more information on these and other topics relating to family and friends of a person with an alcohol or drug problem. They provide effective and practical ways to deal effectively with issues relating to substance use and are designed to reduce stress, reduce substance problems and create positive change.